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Ayup Duck: The Latest Nottingham News

1 July 19 words: Ayup Duck
illustrations: Rikki Marr

What's been gooin' off?

Grand Theft Arnold

I had no idea that the law had started their own Uber service, did you? For all the good they might do around the citeh, the coppers do make some questionable calls. But this one tops ‘em all. Our boys in blue spotted some chump in Arnold helping himsen to stuff out of a car at 3am but, instead of arresting the shady bogger, they gave him a free lift to Calverton, apparently concerned for his well-being. How daft do you reckon they felt when he tried to nick another motor there? Fortunately, its owners were at hand to stop him, and the bobbins burglar got caught properly second time around. I guess the lesson is,  if you want summit doin’ right, do it yersen. 

The Right to Remain Stupid

Sometimes writing these stories gives my arse a headache. We’ve got an early contender for the worst burglar of the year and, of course, he’s a son of Notts. A sharp exit and a nifty vault over a garden wall means sod all if you leave behind any evidence at the scene of the crime. And this tit left something pretty incriminating – his bleedin’ prison discharge papers. You can’t mek this stuff up. 

Game of Drones
It’s the rise of the machines, as Notts’ police have just shelled out thirty grand on a new drone. The coppers are hoping it’ll help track down suspects and missing people. Not to be all Terminator 2, but I wouldn’t trust a bloody robot as far as I could throw it. First they started taking all the factory jobs, and now they’ve moved in on to plod territory. They’ll be writin’ this column next… 

Despite police putting out a Facebook appeal to find a wanted man in May, the boys in blue are yet to get their hands on him. The cheeky bogger has popped up to comment on the post though, writing “Yeah sex is cool but have you ever run away from the police and successfully got away?” Criminal, troll, legend, or a mixture of all three? I can’t mek me mind up…

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