“Just put your hand over your Stone Island patch as you walk in, that should work."
“I'm just not sure Nottingham is ready for couture.”
“Mum packed everything but my pants so I played free willy all the way home.”
“I like sorting through old drawers, it’s like going shopping but you don’t have to spend any money.”
“First time I went to the canteen at work they said, ‘Bacon cob, duck?’. And I was like ‘You what? Bacon? With corn? And duck?’.”
“I think it's Joanna Lumley's cousin on keyboards.”
[Kid picks leaf off privet hedge, gives it to dad.]
Kid: This is for you, Dad.
Dad: Aw, thanks.
Kid: That’s because you’re the best dad ever.
Woman: And that’s why you don’t call the police on people!
Man: I know, I’m stupid.
“A tenner for twelve donuts? I wouldn't mind that, especially if I'm feeling particularly donutty.”
“I have seen THE WHOLE ASS.”
“I go shopping twice a week. I likes to splash out, does me.”
“I got a new bike, but a couple of months ago I stained the seat.”
“Look at the turd cutter on that.”
“Nowadays there's too many Gary Barlows and not enough Brian Harveys.”
“I'm gonna eat my crisps off the floor because I'm in a good place in my life right now.”
Lad: Dad, can water kill you?
“Ugh, you can tell you’re a Hufflepuff.”
“I don't think you can make dogs have a wee just by shouting at them."
Cyclist: If I were to video you standing in the cycle forward box you would get three points and a fine.
Range Rover driver: If you were to video me I would kill you.