Bloke: I've figured out what I've got to do to lose weight.
Woman: Is it stop eating? You fat c**t?
“Stop running. You’ll mek yourself ill.”
“I'm not ready to adopt a monster.”
“Can you drink cider on a juice cleanse?”
Woman: I really think you’re losing it.
Man: What? For bollocking pigeons?
“Eat all them strawberries and you'll be shitting over nine hedges.”
“Sugar on strawberries? You bloody wimp.”
“Argh! I just farted where my head’s going to be.”
“I thought she sez ‘I got a penis allergy’ and I thought ‘As if’.”
“I'm on the end of a doodah. I’m two sheets to the wind darlin’.”
“I'm 15 stone, last four year. That's all I'm bothered abaht.”
“You don't want to have your elastic snapping in crocodile-infested waters, do you?”
Man 1: When was the last time you went to the gym?
Man 2: What day is it today?
Man 1: Tuesday
Man 2: … About 2009.
“If I had a choice of living in Radcliffe or Gamston, I’d live in Radcliffe or Gamston.”
“His dad won a dog at a fair.”
“Ooh I like your dress, is it from HMV?”
“This one didn't need two flushes mate, it needed a f**king midwife.”
“Don't get me wrong, I could absolutely f**king batter grandma.”
“I only really like sexual sad music.”