“Of course I've tried it, I'm a gay man!”
“I’m done with the jail thing. I’m sticking to my plastering now.”
“No, I don't want to babysit. If I wanted to babysit I'd go home and see my own kids.”
“My driving ban’s up now. I need to drive, but I keep drinking too much.”
Woman: I fancy something spicy for dinner.
Man: Well, why don't I make us some of those fanjitas?
“I don't like the rain. But if it pisses it down when you're out, then it's fair cop. Fair dos.”
Man 1: She’s having a go at me for being too real.
Man 2: Mate, you weren’t being real, you’re just a dickhead.
Woman 1: The worst thing about getting old is getting a moustache.
Woman 2: What?
Woman 1: Wait, you don’t have one? I’m growing a f**king beard!
"Is changing from sweet popcorn to salted popcorn the mark of being a proper adult? Because I'm not sure I've got my sh*t together enough for that.”
“I can only get into two nightclubs in Notts, and that’s when I’m wiv me mam!”
Man 1: So where's Swansea then?
Man 2: I think it's down near London.
Man 1: Near Watford?
Man 2: Yeah, that’s it.
“I was thinking of going into the police force and being a detective innit. But then I realised I like drugs too much. Might have to be a counsellor or summat.”
"The fact he's not been in the office makes him a lot easier to ignore."
"Being good to people we meet. That's something you could do for me." – Man to dog
“And I said, ‘Well, if you didn’t smoke crack you’d be able to get something to eat.’”
Woman 1: You'd love him, he's like a mixture of Chandler and Ross.
Woman 2: He sounds like a c**t.
“She thinks she’s hard cos she’s got a double-ear piercing, it’s like ‘come on, mate’.”
“You just know she's one of these people who's going to end up a f**king millionaire from doing nothing.”
“She's got other stuff going for her... Her personality, I guess.”
“Come onnnn, it's 2019, c**t is a term of endearment.”