"She's split up with her boyfriend. He's left her with the tortoise.”
Lad: Dad, where's the button?
Dad: That's not the only button you can't find according to your girlfriend.
“I liked this house because yes it’s a terrace, but it has a bay window, which is a bit more middle class.”
“Better to be wrong with knowledge than just be wrong.”
"Don't break his heart, break his cock.”
“I mean she’s nice as pie, but scary. Scary, and too tall.”
“You know what? And listen, this is important. You should always have a £20 in the house for a bottle of alcohol. Listen, you don’t want to get caught out.”
“Ain't got time for that shit innit blood, that's why when we get a puncture we gets a new bike.”
“We watch a lot of dogging videos”. – Old couple chatting to another patient in QMC
Woman 1: That lad is giving me the middle finger.
Woman 2: I think he's just holding a churro.
“My main fear of invisibility is walking into a room when people are talking about me. Because I just wouldn't want to know what they were saying.”
“I’m going to tend to my vortex.”
Girl 1: Why do people keep offering to crack eggs over my food?
Girl 2: What?
Girl 1: I just don't understand people's need to crack eggs over everything.
“Apparently now they've got neck braces for people who can't be arsed to hold their head up. So I can't be the only one.”
“On the grand scale of things that are meant to go up your arse they’re pretty big, fam.”
“Right now I have less money than I have weed.”
Guy: What about D of E?
Girl: Dick of England?
Guy: I was thinking more of Duke of Edinburgh, but okay.
Man 1: Morning Art
Man 1: How's your luck?
“Did you ever used to bang your head against the wall to try and split it open and get sent home?”
“I took acid once and it made my knees really tickley.”
Lad 1: Yo, man's got a VIP table at Stealth.
Lad 2: Is it G, yeah?
Lad 1: Dun know.
Posh White Student 1: Yeah, that’s what Snoop Dogg said to Kanye.
Posh White Student 2: If I was a black activist in the 1960s, I think I would identify with that.
"Ah yeah, I love gardening. I'm a f**ker for flowers.”
Kid: What's that?
Mum: It's a funeral bus!
Kid: [Satanic laughter]
“I was thinking of going into the police force and being a detective. But I realised I like drugs too much. Might have to be a councillor or summat instead.”
“After that, I'm going for a poo in M&S.”
“He took my wisdom teeth out. I found him quite sexy.”
“The German word for smell should be schniffen.”
“He thought he had conjunctivitis but he was just stoned.”
“He's nuts, my brother. He's a couple of prawns short of a cocktail.”
Cashier: [Yawn] Sorry
Woman: Long day?
Cashier: Long life, I suppose.