Woman 1: Oi, parka boy! Do you like a labia that’s an inny or an outy?
Woman 2: I can zip mine up like a sleeping bag!
"It was sick. Like shooting fish in a barrel. 25% commission on life insurance sales. I was 21."
"I've lived 82 long years and I purrit down to binge drinking."
"I wore them on Valentine's Day and got wapped out let me tell you." – Girl in Primark underwear section
"...F for fire, Q for cute."
Man on phone: Yeah, it's great to speak to you again. Pause. Thanks for giving me your phone number. Longer pause. I had a great time. Really long pause. Do you wanna hear me spit some bars?
Lad 1: Is it your payday?
Lad 2: No, not till Friday.
Lad 1: Bro, this is why we need to do a revolution.
"He dumped her at the cinema because she farted. Only it turns out it was his friend who farted."
"What's healthier, a chocolate bar or chocolate chip cookies?" – Kid in Aldi
"I knew this girl at uni who kept getting Ubers to our house cos she fancied one of my mates. She looked like Uma Thurman, so we called her Uber Thurman."
"The thing is, it's a waiting game here." – Bloke in the QMC
Man: This tram is for hot dog?
Woman: So, Goose Fair, talk me through it.
Man: Food, lots of food, and that’s the only important bit.
Kid: Grandma's dead good at juggling. Can you juggle grandad?
Grandad: No, but I do admire your grandma for it. In fact, there were many women to choose from back in the day, but I thought I'd go for the juggler.
"It must be nice having fur... It'd be like wearing your pyjamas all day."
"I enjoyed that jungle set but all I could think about was munching down on them rocks."
Woman 1: What day is it?
Woman 2: Today is Tuesday tomorrow.
"Would you like the beans in the second hole?"
Woman: What's a passage man?
Man: I dunno, probs like a roadman who's a bit more discreet.
"Have you ever tried Poundshop milk? It's like summat aht Chernobyl."
"Had to unload his bloody van. Full of eggs and Hoovers."
"Greenhouses don’t throw stones."
"This is proper Ilkeston yeah, but we used to put our coats on the wrong way round with our hoods on our faces and run at each other to try and knock each other out."
"I’m not watching that David Walliams on telly tonight. He’s a prat. He’s about as funny as a boil on your arse and let me tell you that is not funny."
Kid: Why's it called a zebra crossing?
Mam: Why do you think it is?
Kid: Is it cos zebras cross on it?
"Those guys that made the pyramids, they weren't no small pec ting."