"The acid’s turned him gay."
"...but if I do a toe reveal, they can at least confirm that I am a white man."
"Is everything virgin?" - Kid at a vegan food stall
"I once shaved my minge so I could get my last pound off for the One Stone Award at Slimmin’ World."
"You ain't lived until you've had the poops from Shaks."
"My crotch is sooo sweaty right now. Proper juicy."
"Batty aht. Belly aht. Everyting aht. D'you know what I mean?"
"Prime Jaffa Cake weather. That’s what this is."
"If you don't drink and drive, how the hell are you supposed to get home?"
"What's wrong with you? You've really got it in for Jurassic Park."
"What you doing? Just having a plate of wedges and ham?"
"Run! Run while you still have freedom!" - Dad to child
"Is Europe, like, Spain and shit?"
"The travel insurance was about £600. I'm thinking of dying out there just to spite them."
"I just had my wig and my boxers on, and she always goes crazy when I wear my wig."
Man 1: You don't need to go to private school to know what a chickpea is.
Man 2: Well, they teach you nothing at Redhill.
"I was gonna be in the papers for being the youngest grandad in Nottingham at 31 but they found a Romanian bloke in Bulwell who beat me."
"He's not that packed. I thought it'd be like a Stella can."