Man: I’ve heard the coronavirus isn’t in Derby.
Woman: Course it’s not. Who goes to sodding Derby?
“Your feet stink. Have you stood in dog poo with no shoes on or summat?”
“How am I meant to work from home, start webcamming?” – Taxi driver
Leaflet vendor: Come on lads, take it.
Lads: [Nervous laughter]
Leaflet vendor: Sore subject?
“B for Boris. U for Ugly.”
“The main thing I’ve learnt from this is how little I actually want to get dressed every day.”
Woman: There's a new aftershave for introverts called, ‘Leave Me the Fuh’ cologne.
Woman: Remember yesterday we were talking about you being gullible?
“Imagine killing your husband years ago, thinking you got away with it, then someone making a documentary about it, and then the whole world being stuck indoors when it came out on Netflix. Talk about bad luck.”
“Don't get me wrong, I love driving. Went down to Yarmouth the other day for some ferrets, bacon cob on the passenger seat.”
“I’m not doing my dad’s shopping no more. He ate twelve cobs in a day so he can whistle.”
Woman: What would your ideal holiday be?
Man: Hm. What did you call it, self-quarantining?
Man: Yeah. Yeah, I wanna do that.
“It’s nice but” [weary sigh] “a baguette’s just not the same as a cob, is it?”
“I self-isolated for most of yesterday. I'm bleddy bored, mate.” – Lad on phone in Tesco, carrying two giant pizzas under his arm
Woman: I think it’s a conspiracy and a pack of lies. I’ve been ill but I don’t care, I’m fine.
Man: Yeah, but it’s about spreading it. It can be a death sentence for the elderly.
Woman: Idris Elba has it and he’s fine.
“I have a halo. You just have a hello.”
“Oh no, disaster! Derby City Council’s suspending brown bin collections. Where will we put the guinea pig poo now?”
“They go everywhere together. He's like his congealed twin.”
“Unless the rapture does come, I’m still gonna go Pret.”
“Now tell me Sam, do you wanna live till you see tomorrow?”
“Listen, I was an alcoholic before this and I will damn sure be an alcoholic after this. Until they shut that pub, I’ll be in there every night!”
“Lurpak is like the Ribena of the butter world.”
“Don’t look at me like that, love. I was clearing my throat, it’s not the bubonic plague.”
“I can't get any bread. I don't know what's going on.”
“I’m not havin’ Houseparty. I don’t want people in my house, even if they’re only here digitally.”
“It's like someone's stuck a hoover up his arse and sucked the life right out of him.”
“It's hard work being conscious.”
Man: I told you. Don’t ask me about that. I don’t want to discuss it on a bus.
Her: This is a tram.
“Why would I send someone a picture of my willy? Even I don’t like looking at it.”
"How are your bones?"
"Had that thing with the antibiotics but I'm beginning to look handsome again now."
Tiny girl clutching an eight-pack of fake Fab ice lollies: Mummy can I have these if I eat them all before we get home?
“That table is dead weird. It's got sticks for legs.”
“He keeps telling people he lives in Mapperley, but we all know it's St Ann’s.”
“If I had a butler, I'd send him down ASDA with a silver tray and ask him to fetch me back a pack of butter and a couple of Stellas. ‘And mek sure it's a Woops!’”
“I bought a bottle of that semi-skilled milk.”
“My laptop’s being really weird too lately. Maybe I'm just a bit magnetic at the moment.”
“Saw it in my profiterole vision innit.”