Guy 1: We're so drunk.
Guy 2: I've seen you so drunk you soiled yourself.
Guy 1: No you haven't. Maybe wet myself, but not soiled myself.
Guy 2: It's just a generic term.
Woman: What's that computer thing that answers all your questions?
Woman: No, the one that talks.
Woman: Yeah, that's it, Syria. Well, everyone's been kicking off cos there's summat on telly saying "Syria, turn the telly off" and the bloody thing turns itself off.
Yeah, Bobbers Mills Road, Bobbers Mills Road! Yeah, yeah, ya get me? Bobbers Mills Road!”
“I've only had one house party. Someone broke the radiator and did a wee on the couch. My mum wouldn't let me have another one.”
Bloke 1 hands a cigarette over to Bloke 2
Bloke 2: I’ll give you some money for it, hang on.
Bloke 1: No honestly mate, don’t worry about it.
Bloke 2: Nah, I’ll give you 50p. That’s what they cost at school.
“Well, if it does happen again, we're gonna have to drill an hole in't sand.”
“Thing about having a platypus for a pet is: it'd be funny for about five minutes, then it'd be rubbish.”
“Give up your rooms, sleep on the floor, then you’ve got more space for dogs.”
“It’s D & D & D. Dungeons and Dragons and Death, bro! It’s the new thing.”
“Don't lie to me. Just get it checked.”
“Get out of that chair or you'll get done by the police.” – Mum to daughter in a shop
“You look like Batman with a beer belly.”
“You're going to hate this. My friend made a mushy pea gin.”
“She ran off wi’ an Elvis impersonator. He went bust. Lost the farm, the house, the Range Rovers. Everything. We all knew what she wor. I forecasted it. But anyway he’s orate. Living in a rented flat in Eastwood. He’s back on the tools.”
“There was an egg in that toilet and a little chicken just hatched out of it.” – Little girl at the leisure centre
“Like it’s all nice cafes there now, it’s um... dentrifikention”
“Ooh I don't like to get the tram: I've got a neck problem”
“I think there are some people who live on our road that look like they don’t belong in Wollaton”
“I've never eaten a Twinkie but I feel like I know what one would taste like”
“Where’s yer pop-eyed friend? The one that looks like Kermit the Frog?”
Person 1: “You getting some cigarettes?”
Person 2: “No, it’s alright. I’ve got a banana”
“I heard that when you die, it’s Greg Wallace narrating the afterlife”
“Barnaby – did you walk round in a circle?”
Man on Boots tannoy: Attention you lucky shoppers! There is just one sandwich left in our fridge. Come and get it before it goes – it's only 50p
“You're like a Disney Princess for vermin”
“I'm not wasting valuable salad!”
“I helped my client get in touch with her inner unicorn”
11-year-old boy to his brother: Mum doesn't love you
Man: Why did we come to Nottingham?
Woman: To sort the shower in the rental
Man: Ah well, there's always tomorrow
“Mars bars are about a tenner now. Freddo’s got his own mortgage!”