Man: It looked a little bit like a dog, but smaller.
Woman: A cat?
"And he comes up and says 'Daddy let's talk about things' and I says, ‘Shut up mate, it's 5am.'"
"I’m just about to get my breakfast at the cafe. That’ll sort me out for my two dates with two different girls later... What?! Is that a cactus?!"
Man 1: You keeping well?
Man 2: Ah, you know, still breathing
"I punched a Gameboy in half."
"Korea? I don’t know what that is."
"I don't go to the shops, me." – Bloke in Viccy Centre
"You're just gonna have to get some cardboard shorts."
"Ah, you look just like your sister. Do you have a sister? No, well, you just look like your aunt, then."
"I want to donate my body to science, but it's not easy. Sometimes they get too many."
"Roy Orbison? He was a darts player, wasn’t he? Sounds like a bloody darts player!"
"I've got to physically read through my exam paper. What the hell?"
"Nah, see! When the grit goes down that’s when it’s gonna happen, ho!"
"I still come round your house even though your dad smacked me in my sleep and everything in your living room was floating."
"Dad, I’ve got this. Don’t worry about me! Ahh, I haven’t got this!" – Kid walking down the stairs on the bus
"He's stupid. He supports Tottenham Hotplops."
Bloke: They've found a cure for baldness.
Me: What? That spray stuff?
Bloke: Nah, they shrink your head.
Girl: Have you ever played FIFA, Grandad?
Grandad: What's that?
Girl: It’s playing football on the computer.
Grandad: You what? I've only just learnt to "delete."
"Everyone used to smoke in my house growing up. I didn't know what me mam looked like until I was thirteen, when somebody opened the living room door."
"If you die in a clinical trial do you still get the money?"
"The baby’s umbilical cord smelt like the stuff you scrape from underneath your toenails."
Man 1: Ayup mate are you wellus?
Man 2: As good as can be expectedus!
"A good-patterned, high-denier sock. That's a measure of success right there."
"You know what they say; if it's fixed, don't break it."
"He burps at the table and doesn't say excuse me."
"Can't put a bag in a bag. It's bad luck."
"My rule is I'm not eating anything that is still alive. Some people think that that's a thing to do."
Girl: Int it weird that you call ginger people carrot top except the top of a carrot is actually green leaves?
Boy: Yeah, but it’s THEIR top though, int it?
"Mansfield's like Ilkeston but bigger."
"I couldn’t write like that if I got egg and chips for my dinner."
"If it’s in Sneinton, don’t lick it."
"He smells like an after-party sofa."
"Where’s that girl with the teeth? I like her."
Woman 1: The bigger the fart, the less they stink.
Woman 2: Not always
Woman 1: Yeah, not always
Woman: Invite me. I'm an influencer.
Man: Influenza, more like.