"Excuse me, I look like d'Artagnan?"
Woman: You liar!
Man: I swear on Derek’s life!
Woman: Well, you've never liked him.
"They make three types of beer: rough, rougher and evil. It’s like a bitter but it looks like it’s got Cornflakes floating in it."
"I always look at men's hands when I first meet them. Is that wrong? Not in that way... but, you know. Actually that's really weird. Please don't put this in Overheard in Notts."
"You have two hopes mate. Bob Hope... and Bob Monkhouse!"
"This is ridiculous. You don't want to go to a funeral at half two. Who does that?"
"You've gotta fake it to make it. Then once you make it, you've STILL gotta fake it."
"Nah. Lidl’s Mars bars are better than Aldi’s."
"Oh, my foot fetish is going mental right now."
"Can you gerrus a plastic pot for this please, duck? I’ll ay it for breakfast wi’ an egg on top." – Old man in Tarn Thai
"I was like... It's not my family you need to be bothered about. Your daughter's an idiot for a start."
Bloke 1: I feel fat.
Bloke 2: You are.
"I just farted on that person's dog."
"Apparently he hotboxed my mum and dad’s en-suite bathroom"
"...didn't want anything to do with the son. And that set one of the drag queens off."
"Nanar is only ‘avin one more fag because she’s desperately gorra get you lot to bed nah."
"Colin, we’re not havin’ it. We can’t all go to North Carolina to pick up a cat."
"And that’s exactly what happened last time, except the chicken was in the room"
Barista: Milk? Which type?
Customer: Just the stuff that comes out a cow’s tit, duck.
"Yo blud, that church is the sickest church in all of Notts fam, remember that!"
"However, she did stab him, so it couldn’t have been that bad."
"The judge says that the contract stands, even though I signed it at 11.30pm, drunk."