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Confetti - Do It For Real

Overheard in Notts

1 September 20 words: Big Baby

It's everyone's favourite time of the month...

“I love to have my internal organs deeply massaged”

“She was handstanding… she handstood…”
“She did a handstand?”

"You look like a lesbian dinosaur"

Waitress 1: (Trying to read note-pad) What’s all this then?
Waitress 2: Tuna and cucumber sandwich
Waitress 1: You know there’s no ‘q’ in cucumber, right?

“They do look a bit frowny, look at him scowling.”
“Of course they do, it's Joy Division. And that’s Ian Curtis, he hung himself just after that photo”

“I feel like I’ve lived five lifetimes in the last twelve hours, but I’m not sure what I’ve done”

“I'm going straight from my booty call to my Mum's. I'm not even having a shower"

“I woke up really depressed, but then I thought to myself: at least I’m not an ISIS wife”

“Stop it or I’ll tie you to a lamppost outside the Forest ground in a Derby shirt”

“Do I look like the kind of person that knows what a biscuit barrel is?”

“He went on a date with her twin sister the other day you know. Them two have a habit of doing that though, sharing boyfriends”

“I can get hormonal, I’ll cry at the Lloyds TSB advert with the horse”

“Why can’t you just flash your doo-dah and get everything you want?”

“Them Americans are always coming over here and taking our butlers. Why don't they get their own?”

"Turns out, speed doesn't actually make you run faster"

“If you have no legs, it’s the perfect swimsuit”

Child 1: I just want a Kinder Egg
Child 2: What?! You tramp!

“There’s summat about a girl in a sensible coat. It just gets me”

“Back in the day, she used to keep someone in a cupboard”

“Why should she have to even ask? Are you not telepathetic?”

“According to the five-year-old who lives across the road, his mum is, in fact, a batty batty man”

“Me and my gran used to suck off six in one sitting”

“This helping out and eating out thing, it’s aright int it. Ah took the missus out for some noodles the other night.”
“Ah yeah? I don’t mind noodles. Basically pasta ent they.”
“Yeah. Basically.”

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