Sign up for our weekly newsletter
The Comedy of Errors

Overheard in Notts

8 May 21 words: Big Baby

What you been chatting this month?

“He said he’d get back together with me if I got a new nose, and my father, the surgeon, is the one who gave it to me.”

“Do you know that man I was stroking in Asda?”

“I had one of them well-man check up at the doctors ten year ago. He says “You're all right, you could run a marathon”. Had a bleddy heart attack on the toilet a month later. Goes to show, doesn't it?”

“...and that’s how much of a crackhead Mike Tyson was.”

“We're sisters AND cousins. No-one can call me trash again.”

“A thimble is like armour for your fingers.”

Man: “Hellooo!”
Woman: “Bit harsh, I know what you mean though.”

“Once I lost the nail off me big toe. I just had to paint the skin ‘cos it were summer!”

“Killing an artist by an art tool isn't murder it's expression.”

“She smells nice”
”Stop being creepy Maurice”- Maurice’s wife

Woman: “No, an APPLE a day keeps the doctor away.”
Man: “Not five pints of cider? Five a day, innit.”

"TUNA FISH" - Little boy shouting at pigeon

“Bagsy not gettin’ round in int’ Saltwater”

“Oi stand on my trainers again, I want to make them dirty – they look better dirty”

Kid 1: “I don't get it. Why do the Chinese wear them masks on their faces all the time?”
Kid 2: “It's ‘cos they're smart, it's a sign of respect innit. Like if they're ill and they sneeze, it don't go in the atmosphere.”
Kid 1: “Why don't we wear them then?”
Kid 2: “‘Cos we're not clever like they are.”

“Tell me when you're gonna need a safety beard.”

“Alabama reminds me of Grimsby.”

“How you gonna let a gyal take you for chips like that fam?”

“If Cockleman is struggling for money he needs to get himself on OnlyClams.”

Woman: “I keep typing it wrong, can I just call you Ken instead?”
Man: “No! No one’s been called Ken since 1962!”

We have a favour to ask…

LeftLion is Nottingham’s meeting point for information about what’s going on in our city, from the established organisations to the grassroots. We want to keep what we do free to all to access, but increasingly we are relying on revenue from our readers to continue. Can you spare a few quid each month to support us?

Support LeftLion now