Overheard in Notts

“He said he’d get back together with me if I got a new nose, and my father, the surgeon, is the one who gave it to me.”

“Do you know that man I was stroking in Asda?”

“I had one of them well-man check up at the doctors ten year ago. He says “You're all right, you could run a marathon”. Had a bleddy heart attack on the toilet a month later. Goes to show, doesn't it?”

“...and that’s how much of a crackhead Mike Tyson was.”

“We're sisters AND cousins. No-one can call me trash again.”

“A thimble is like armour for your fingers.”

Man: “Hellooo!”
Woman: “Bit harsh, I know what you mean though.”

“Once I lost the nail off me big toe. I just had to paint the skin ‘cos it were summer!”

“Killing an artist by an art tool isn't murder it's expression.”

“She smells nice”
”Stop being creepy Maurice”- Maurice’s wife

Woman: “No, an APPLE a day keeps the doctor away.”
Man: “Not five pints of cider? Five a day, innit.”

"TUNA FISH" - Little boy shouting at pigeon

“Bagsy not gettin’ round in int’ Saltwater”

“Oi stand on my trainers again, I want to make them dirty – they look better dirty”

Kid 1: “I don't get it. Why do the Chinese wear them masks on their faces all the time?”
Kid 2: “It's ‘cos they're smart, it's a sign of respect innit. Like if they're ill and they sneeze, it don't go in the atmosphere.”
Kid 1: “Why don't we wear them then?”
Kid 2: “‘Cos we're not clever like they are.”

“Tell me when you're gonna need a safety beard.”

“Alabama reminds me of Grimsby.”

“How you gonna let a gyal take you for chips like that fam?”

“If Cockleman is struggling for money he needs to get himself on OnlyClams.”

Woman: “I keep typing it wrong, can I just call you Ken instead?”
Man: “No! No one’s been called Ken since 1962!”